


wishing for rain as i stand in the desert

by infiniteaches



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Bisexuality Realization, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Introspection, M/M, One-Sided Jesper Fahey/Kaz Brekker, Unrequited Love, but also some, character study of Kaz through the eyes of Jesper, featuring Kaz as Jesper's Official Bisexual Awakening (TM), technically this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-17 12:48:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28725351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infiniteaches/pseuds/infiniteaches
Summary: Jesper has an interesting relationship with boys.They’re his friends, his enemies, his schoolmates (although only briefly), and a little later, his targets. They’re also something else he can’t quite quantify, with their lower-timbred voices and their broad shoulders and large hands.It’s always hovering at the edge of his awareness, defying definition—that is, until he meets Kaz.
Relationships: Kaz Brekker/Jesper Fahey
Comments: 6
Kudos: 45





	wishing for rain as i stand in the desert

**Author's Note:**

> Just a brief character study for Kaz and Jesper based on my headcanon that Kaz was Jesper's bisexual awakening, or at least what helped him put a label on it. Hope you enjoy!

Jesper has an interesting relationship with boys. 

They’re his friends, his enemies, his schoolmates (although only briefly), and a little later, his targets. They’re also something else he can’t quite quantify, with their lower-timbred voices and their broad shoulders and large hands.

It’s always hovering at the edge of his awareness, defying definition—that is, until he meets Kaz.

Kaz, with his voice like soft thunder rolled in shards of glass, low and rough and broken all at once. Kaz, with his stubborn jawline and his long, dexterous fingers hidden away in mysterious black gloves.

Kaz, with eyes like flint and a mind quicker than anyone he’s ever known.

Jesper looks, and something shifts. 

~

It’s not a change, really, just a slotting into place, something new and familiar all at once.

Kaz is untouchable, unknowable. He’s the locks he loves to pick; he’s a secure, layered safe dressed all in black. He’s bad news, ruthless, expressionless. Jesper wants to learn how to read him anyway, wants to learn how to crack his code, how to open him up. 

He looks, and he  _ wants.  _

~

He tells himself to look away, when Kaz starts getting extra friendly with a serving girl. For anyone else, it wouldn’t be considered all that friendly, really, but this is Kaz. The very angles of his face seem a little less sharp when he glances over at her, and some of the steel slides out of his voice when they talk. Jesper can’t decide whether or not it’s a conscious choice. 

Kaz actually offers her a genuine smile—the barest curl at the corner of his mouth, but a smile indeed. It’s as good as a grin from anyone else.

Something cracks in Jesper’s chest. It’s sharp and brittle and it  _ hurts _ . It feels like heartbreak. It's the first time he's felt this way over a boy, but it's heartbreak, alright. He recognizes the feeling well. 

He bites his lip, stands, and exits the pub, heading for the nearest gambling den. He doesn’t even care if he wins or loses tonight. He just needs a distraction.

~

Jesper is no scholar, but he’s not a fool, either. He watches the way Kaz closes himself off to everyone after The Incident in the Alley, clocks the way he never tries to take his gloves off anymore. 

No one else really seems to notice. Maybe he’s just hyperaware of Kaz, of all his movements and little quirks and changes in behavior.

Maybe it’s just that no one else cares enough about him to notice. The emotional wellbeing of the gang’s grunts isn’t exactly anyone’s top priority, here in the Barrel.

To compensate for the hit to his reputation, Kaz becomes even colder, harder. Jesper thinks of his mother stroking his hair, telling him that some people’s hearts are deserts, that some people’s hearts are wastelands.

He doesn’t think Kaz’s heart is a wasteland. He thinks something can grow there, still. Eventually.

Kaz’s heart is no desert, as much as Kaz tries to pretend it is. Still, Jesper knows what it isn’t but he can’t quite tell what it  _ is.  _ The man is an iceberg, larger than life and sharp-edged, most of him hidden underneath the surface, heart included. He is dangerous; he is frozen solid. 

And Jesper isn’t going to wait around for him to melt, especially when he’s not sure what there is to wait for, if there is anything to wait for.

Jesper turns away. He protects his heart. He knows he needs someone who he can be open with, someone who can share their vulnerabilities instead of trying to burn out every last drop of their weakness, of their humanity. He yearns, quietly, for someone who can still see the good in people, someone who still has hope.

He doesn’t have the patience to melt an iceberg. He hopes that one day, Kaz will find someone who does.


End file.
